transformers human au by me and isaac
Starscream calling Ratchet because hE’S CONSTIPATED and the call would be like
'HELP I ATE TOO MUCH JUNK I CAN'T SHIT'
'omg who is this'
Oh my god I want this
This is so perfect.
Airachnid is the flashy consultant who knows where all the bodies are buried, and Megatron moves heaven and earth to hire her, until one day she says, “Oh, yeah, and I’ll find you a new secretary; your old one quit, but who needs him, right?” and he’s like, “WHAT.”
And Shockwave is that weird guy in R&D who keeps cooking up stuff that’s ridiculously cool, but of seriously questionable application. His lab is so remote that Starscream (absolute model of administrative efficiency that he is) forgets to send him the memo when the company relocates to a new city, and everyone just assumes he quit until he turns up one day like what is even the shit, guys, you left me in the wrong city!
EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS BEAUTIFUL. WOW.
I will add to it now:
Bumblebee is the office intern. He looks up to Optimus very much and hopes one day to become a full time employee (even though he ALREADY DOES everything a full time employee would do but just doesn’t get the recognition of one which is total scrap) He’s very chipper and not bitter about this, though.
Also, during an inter-company picnic they were in the middle of a sporting event in which Megatron totally fouled him on purpose trying to win the game. Now Bee speaks with a serious stutter because of the accident… of course he wants everyone to remember that, even though he was injured, he totally stopped Megatron from winning the game anyway. :U
The Decepticons are a much larger company, but often forget their line workers, with the vehicons all being on-floor guys, etc. And workplace accidents? Dude, you heard about how the CEO just threw two guys down a shaft one day without even carig that they weren’t the ones equipped with the safety harnesses, right? Or maybe they’re a mining company, except I can’t see the Autobots being a rival mine, and they just steal all of their energon from the cons anyway in TFP so that line of reasoning goes downhill fast so forget I ever typed it. People tend to forget the vehicons’ work except for…
Breakdown is the manager who actually cares about the vehicon line-workers and eats lunch with them. He manages to avoid getting fired by walking the line between outstanding work and dedication to the company and not standing out too much like certain humanoid peacocks do. He lost an eye when a third-party competitor sent in someone to do really obnoxious and obvious corporate espionage involving stealing actual documents and a way too large file cabinet key… we don’t talk about it.
Skyquake is an old, old employee. So old that he got kind of forgotten about back in the machinery shop and stockroom. Official pay records say he died, but the vehicons swear they can still see him updating stock under the full moon…
And when we say Starscream tries to kill Megatron, we mean it literally. Some thing never change, no matter the universe. In the third quarter though, he really changes his tune! Pay bonus after his rehiring? Perhaps some office intrigue? Who knows, but he was crowing about his loyalty to Megatron and decrying the merger after it happened.